“Good God Anna!” Joseph said, allowing himself a small bit of blasphemy, “We take enough risk on Market Day when we are supposed to be in the barn together for a long time.” He looked very angry and I knew that he was right.
“I know, I am sorry,” I said, sighing deeply because I felt bad for making him nervous. But when he saw the look on my face, he read it without me having to say anything more. He understood me so well that his expression softened and he immediately sat down on an old bucket.
“Well we are already here,” he said, “What did you want to talk about?” he asked. And then I realized that I had absolutely no idea how to begin. But I also knew that we didn’t have a lot of time. Father would expect us back before too long. Joseph looked at me expectantly; I decided to just jump into it.
“Joseph, I read some of the papers you gave me,” I started slowly.
“Yes…?” he said, looking anxiously towards the door. I had to go faster.
“First. I love them. It is amazing! I’ve never seen or read anything so beautiful in my life. It was incredible,” I gushed, “Thank you so much.” He smiled sheepishly.
“You already thanked me when you got it,” he said, blushing and not making eye contact. I knew that I had to push on. I had to find about the man’s body. I needed to know why it made me feel so strange. And why my brother was suddenly making me feel so strange.
“Well, at one point there was a depiction of a man and…well he was not wearing a shirt. In fact, he wasn’t wearing anything but very tight short pants,” I explained and Joseph nodded knowingly.
“Yes, the Outsiders often dress… scandalously. It can be hard to maintain purity when you see it. God often tests us,” he explained. I was happy that he understood the temptations I felt, but I had to go farther. I had to explain what I was thinking.
“Yes. But it is more than that. His body was so…different than my own. He was hard in places where I was soft and straight in places where I curve. I had no idea what a man’s body looks like. And between his legs there was a…bulge in his shorts. It did not look like he was keeping something there. It looked like it was… part of him,” I said nervously. Now Joseph looked at me quizzically.
“What do you mean a bulge? You mean other than his privates?” he asked.
“What do you mean ‘other than his privates’? Privates aren’t supposed to bulge! They are just…” I said, then blushing as I was talking about something so dirty and wrong. Joseph felt uncomfortable too. But we were both very curious now. We were clearly talking past one another. I wondered. As I noted before, I knew from our clothes that a man’s body was different than a woman’s body, at least in the chest. My brother had broader shoulders and me and no breasts. But maybe other parts were different as well. I always wore big dresses and the men always wore baggy long pants. Maybe the bulge was just a difference in bodies. A fascinating difference.
“You know, sometimes women will walk by on market day,” Joseph explained slowly, “And they will wear very right short pants. And I noticed that they looked, sort of different, between there legs. But I never really thought much of it” I felt a strange pang of jealousy when I thought about Joseph looking at other girls. At first, I assumed I was just jealous that he got to see other people. But I wondered, if maybe, I was jealous that he was looking at someone other than me. Why should I think that? I shook that feeling off. I knew what I wanted to find out about and I knew that the only way to learn was by asking.
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