Terrance and Alana were so wrapped up in their own little world that they never noticed when I left the living room in a bit of a huff and stomped up the stairs and went to bed. I failed at embarrassing myself, as they paid me no attention.
I was quite surprised when I came home Wednesday evening and found Alana seemingly waiting for me. She was sitting on the expensive couch she just had to have. Next to her, far too close in my opinion, especially for a male friend she had recently met, sat Terrance.
“Tim, we need to talk,” was Alana’s opening salvo.
I was once again caught by surprise. It was only fucking Wednesday. How in hell could Terrance have worked his magic that quickly? I knew he was good at everything he set his mind to, but this was impressive as hell. It was going to cost me more than a few bucks. I was sure of that.
“Terrance and I have discovered that we’re soul mates,” Alana explained. “We didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. We both feel terrible about it, but there’s no denying the incredibly strong attraction we feel for each other.
“Tim, I’m going to divorce you. As soon as it becomes final, I’ll marry Terrance. Please, don’t try to talk me out of it.”
“I’ll be damned if I’ll give up my house and half my life savings just because you couldn’t keep your legs closed, and this ass-wipe couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. I’ll fight you every step of the way,” I declared with more conviction than I felt.
“That’s so typical of an insecure little man,” Alana declared with disdain. “I didn’t marry you for money and I don’t want any when we divorce. Terrance and I both believe the divorce will go through much quicker if I just walk away with the money I brought into the marriage.
“What do you think, Tim? Is that incentive enough to grant me a quick divorce?” Alana demanded.
“Where do you want me to sign?” I cleverly retorted.
“I knew money meant more to you than I ever did. I’ll be spending the next few nights with Terrance while we wait for his condo to be painted. I don’t want to hear any complaints. No sniveling, crying or whining,” Alana insisted.
I simply nodded, turned and left for the nearest tavern.
It’s amazing how fast a divorce can go through the courts when the three people involved are eager for it and one of them is very wealthy. A few months later, I was once again a single man.
The weekend after my divorce was final, I returned to the same restaurant I had been in with Alana when she first met Terrance. I found him sitting at a table for two. I simply walked in and joined him.
“Do you want to kiss my feet here in the restaurant, or wait for a more private setting?” Terrance asked with a big grin.
“I don’t know how you can be so happy. You didn’t have to ask Alana to marry you. Now she can go after you for fraud, breach of contract, blatant lying, or being such a prick to her,” I offered.
“Not going to happen,” Terrance replied calmly. “As usual, you don’t see the big picture.”
“Why don’t you enlighten me then? I know Alana and she’s nothing if not stubborn, vindictive and mean as hell.”