That didn’t mean I wasn’t fascinated by what was happening next door. Although they kept their sexual relationship hidden, when Milla talked of William, when I saw them together, it was clear they were more than mother and son. They listened to each other, read each other’s signals, supported each other. William knew Milla’s mood from the way she said hello; Milla appeared with coffee a moment before William said he was out.
I was talking to Pam on the phone. She was urging me to lift her brother’s Friday night curfew.
“What’s going on?”
“I invited him to hang with me on campus this week, introduced him around, showing off my new improved brother. A few girls dug him. A group of us are going to a party Friday night. I thought I’d bring Todd, see what happens.”
“Do you trust these girls Pam?”
“Do I trust them? I trust them to show my brother a good time and not do anything too psychopathy, but I wouldn’t hand them the nuclear suitcase. Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“It’s just that when I was in college we didn’t go after younger guys.”
“Well Mom, the world has changed and like I said, my brother’s matured all of a sudden. C’mon, say he can.”
I thought about my next door neighbors, the world had changed. I covered the phone, shouted the perfunctory, “Francis, how do you feel about Todd busting curfew to go to a party with Pam Friday night?” and got the answer I knew I’d get, the answer I always got, indifference.
“If it’s okay with you dear it’s okay with me.”
* * * *
It was Sunday night and Pam and I were standing in the driveway. The atmosphere at dinner had been a bit raucous; Pam kept ribbing Todd about his “hot date” with a college girl. Pam and I had also had a glass or two of wine more than usual.
And although we were alone Pam dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper when she said, “Mom, has Todd been dating anyone, does he have a girlfriend?”
“Not that I noticed, not that he’s mentioned. Why do you ask?”
“Promise not to tell Dad?”
“Promise.”
“Well, one of the girls I introduced Todd to is my friend Ramona. She thought he was cute, but what really floated her boat was that he seemed innocent. She asked me about it, I told her I didn’t think he’d ever had a regular girl friend. Well, I should have known better. Ramona thinks she’s a guy-whisperer, takes ’em inexperienced, turns ’em into gold medal lovers in two easy lessons. It’s crap, but it’s her thing. Well, she hooked up with him at the party — don’t worry, she’s religious about condoms. Later on she tells me my brother ain’t so innocent, that he knows exactly what to do in the sack.”
I glanced up. Todd’s window was dark, Williams and Milla’s lit, the blinds open. I knew where he was learning. “This sounds like something you shouldn’t be sharing with your mother.”
* * * * *
I kissed Pam good night, watched her drive off, imagined Milla and William going at it, my son watching, running his hand up and down his…. Fuck, I needed to be laid. I poured another glass of wine, found my husband, eyes glued to the television, suggested the bedroom, he begged off. I was insistent, he said after the show. I was very insistent, he understood he better and despite a lack of enthusiasm, came quickly, too quickly, then fell asleep. I thought about going to watch Milla and William, but heard my son’s door open and him walk down the stairs. The show was over. In the shower I masturbated.