Blog entry #5 — December 18th
After my last update, I had just given my stepdaughter Paula a backrub, and I know she had felt my hard penis pressing against her hand as she laid her head on my lap, and she seemed to have really, really enjoyed her backrub. The last thing I had said to her the night before was that I was just going to do laundry the next day.
I woke up last, my wife Jeri had left for work early. Paula had school and work, so by the time I got out of bed around 9AM, the house was empty. After brewing a pot of God’s nectar, and sipping on my first cup of the greatness that is coffee, my thoughts turned to last night’s episode. I sat at the kitchen table with my mug, and replayed everything over in my head. What was I doing? What if I am totally misreading the situation? If I am, then what, and even more importantly, if I am not misreading it, what do I about it, and what do I WANT to do about it? I pondered everything for a while, considering the consequences of action, considering lust vs love, betrayal vs trust, physical affection vs sexual contact.
I poured a second cup of glory, and knew in my head that the fact that I was even having to think about it, it was wrong. Yes, my body felt different, and my heart felt an attraction and a love on top of the physical lust of the body, but logically I knew this could never happen, for the good of everyone. That being decided, I got up and started to get motivated. I needed to get some laundry done, hit the store, maybe go work out, and plan for dinner. I checked the fridge and freezer for dinner options, and made a list of things for the store. Time for laundry!
I go to my closet to get my laundry basket (I do my own laundry — I don’t trust anyone else not to shrink or ruin my clothes, a leftover habit from my mom. Thanks, Mom!) and notice the door is not closed all the way. That’s odd. I remember tossing my soiled shirt from last night on the top of the pile in the basket, and closing the door before heading to bed last night. The first thing I notice is that shirt is now balled up, and laying on the floor next to the basket. My mind notes, “that’s weird, must have rolled off the top somehow” and I reach down to pick it up and put it back on top. As I lift the shirt, I notice a movement of something pink drop out of the shirt. A pair of panties. I also smell the aroma of Paula’s perfume on my shirt. Well, I *WAS* giving her a backrub last night, but this seems too fresh and strong to be just a residual from that event 12 hours ago. My mind races in confusion as I reach down with my left hand to pick up the panties. I life them, like any red-blooded male, towards my face, and my nostrils pick up an entirely different aroma. “Oh God,” I think. “No way…” I inhale deeply through my nose. Way.
All of the previous hour’s logical thinking went out the window, as my brain took a completely different path from logic. For one, there is no misreading this situation. Paula is definitely offering or enticing my arousal, for what end I have no idea. Playing or learning sexual advances safely? Testing her limits with me? Is she just fantasy playing? Is she interested in a full sexual relationship, or is it just a teasing, “look but don’t touch too much” fun thing? Or, is she trying to exert control over me by using my arousal for her against me or her mom, or both? At the same time, I am thinking how to respond to this situation. Do I “play” back? Either by washing them and give them to her saying, “these smelled a little dirty, so I washed them for you” or by returning them without washing, and leaving a “present” of my own on them? Or just wash them and tell her, “I think you left these in the dryer” as if it never happened? She wouldn’t have put them there if she wanted the third option, and my mind was telling me to respond and see where it goes. After all, it’s just clothing. That’s what I tell myself.