“Sylvia?” She said, eliciting me to continue.
“Knowing this and seeing him looking at me..” I swallowed. “It makes my panties fucking soaked.” I hung my head in shame. I felt strange to be on the verge of crying but also needing so bad to play with my clit. I could see that my labia had engorged and had started lewdly sucking my bikini bottoms up into my wet slit. Embarrassingly, the orange material turned darker and just made it totally obvious that I was getting ridiculously wet again.
“Fuck..” I heard my friend whisper. We stayed silent for a while. I was just staring down, confused. Amanda was looking away.
“I don’t know what to do,” I finally said, my voice breaking.
“Do you feel safe there?”
“Yes. Its not that.. That’s not what I mean.” I answered. “Its not him that scares me.”
“What do you mean, Syl?”
“Its what I’m feeling. I’m a bad mother,” I admitted.
“You’re a good mother. You didn’t do anything. What are you talking about?” I didn’t even know what to say. I stayed quiet. “Syl, I love you, I’m not gonna judge you, you can tell me.” She hugged me.
“Amanda,” I started crying as I hugged her back. “I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop masturbating over it. I feel like I’m losing my mind.” The weight of what was going on was hitting me. I had come there knowing I wanted to have sex with David but now I was filled with uncertainty. I wanted my friend to understand, but she didn’t. I wanted approval, validation. I didn’t know if she could give that to me.
“Can you do something for me?” I asked her. “Look at Robbie’s computer..”
“I can’t do that. He keeps it in his room. There’s probably passwords.”
“Just try.”
“I don’t want to invade his privacy. There’s no reason for me to do that, Syl. Why do you want me to?”
“David’s stuff was just up on there. Easy to find, like he wanted me to see it if I looked. And on the forums, people are always suggesting leaving stuff on your computer for your mom to find as a way to test the waters.”
“I don’t want to test the waters. I don’t want to know.”
“Okay. I’m sorry,” I said, giving up.
“Its okay. But maybe you should talk to someone. And David too.”
“Like therapy? I don’t know.” I didn’t want therapy! “I don’t think I could do that. It’d be out in the open. I couldn’t.”
“I’m here for you,” Amanda said. “Just relax. You need to set boundaries for David. Don’t let him take your underwear and masturbate with it. That’s not right. Are you getting it back?”
“Yeah. He puts it back. I can’t say anything to him.”
“Then keep it away from him.”
“Then he’ll know I know..”
“Alright. Just don’t think about it. He’ll be going back to school. Its probably just a phase.”
I felt stupid. The panties thing wasn’t the point I was trying to get across. He only took my underwear once that I knew about, which was yesterday, following our snuggle session which I conveniently left out. I just dropped it. I was starting to feel like I had made an ass out of myself, and I wanted to leave.
I wrapped my floral sarong around my waist and put on my sunglasses. I gathered up my purse and put on my sandals. Amanda was trying to be a good friend and saying things like, “Don’t dwell on it,” and “Call me if you need to talk.” I thanked her and gave her a hug and kiss goodbye, and tried to act normal. I was embarrassed that I had admitted to my friend that I had masturbated about my son and her reaction was telling me to seek therapy.
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