Once my hand was clean, I quickly moved to the truck and found my dress. I threw it on quickly, sliding it over my head. I knew my father was probably already approaching the door when I realized that I was too flustered to zip the back. I tried to reach behind me but I couldn’t. I saw the door start to open. Then, I felt my brother’s hand on my hip. I turned and looked, he’d come up behind me, dressed as though nothing had happened. He quickly zipped up my dress and took a few steps away from me.
“What is taking so long?” my Father thundered as he walked into the door.
“Nothing Father,” Joseph said, “We’re done.” My Father looked around the barn briefly for evidence of misdeeds. He scowled and then nodded and walked back towards the house. My brother and I followed.
* * * * *
I had a difficult time sleeping that night and I awoke feeling groggy. I had spent the whole night, even in my dreams, thinking about what had happened. There was no doubt in my mind that I’d committed a grievous sin. I knew that my body was sinful and I knew that pleasure was sinful unless it was in praise of God. And I knew more than either of those things that I’d hurt my brother.
That day I walked down to the breakfast table and saw that he was already there. I looked over at him, but he pretended not to notice me. When I spoke to him, he would not speak fully in response. Instead, he would just sort of grunt. As soon as he ate, he got up from the table and went to do his chores. All day, he ignored me and avoided me. And every time he did, I felt a stab of sadness and guilt in my heart. But when I thought back to the day before, in the barn, our bodies touching, I could not feel ashamed. It had been too lovely. I knew Joseph felt the same, he was just scared. I needed to talk to him.
Finally, around dinner time, I found Joseph standing next to the shed, collecting tools to put away for the evening. His hands were on his hips and he was looking down. I smiled despite myself. I could not help it. Just to see him or to smell him or to feel him was the absolute height of pleasure. My love for my brother was so much more than it had been just a few weeks earlier.
“Joseph, can we talk,” I said quietly and he jumped a bit. I winced and he turned to face me. I expected a sheepish smile and a bit of awkwardness. But his face was cold.
“No,” he said simply and started to walk away. I felt like I had been struck. I ran towards him.
“What do you mean ‘No’?” I asked indignantly, “I am your sister and your friend; you can’t just walk away from me.” He stopped and looked at me, still with fury in his eyes.
“You are still my sister,” he said, “But you are not my friend. We will never be friends again.” He said and I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t know how to live in the world if Joseph wasn’t by my side. What was he saying? He couldn’t mean it.
“Joseph,” I said, grabbing hold of his arm. He jumped away from me as though my hands were made of ice.
“I will say this once,” he whispered, looking around to see if our parents were around, “You…bedeviled me into…disrobing in front of you and you disrobed yourself. Then you made us touch and you caused us both to sin. And I told you to stop, and you kept going. I don’t know what came over me, I was completely under the power of the Devil, I could not control myself. And you…you took advantage of that. Your selfish actions are going to send us both to Hell, and there is nothing I can do but fervently apologize for my sins and pray for both of our souls. But I cannot speak to you, because you will once again lead me into sin.” And then he stopped. And his body was shaking with fury, but I could see a tear forming in the corner of his eye. Joseph was pushing me away, he thought he was protecting me, saving me from Hell. But I would have risked Hell to have his arms around me again.
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