But even though I wasn’t going to tell him that I’d touched myself, that didn’t stop me from thinking. When I saw him at the breakfast table I thought about the picture of the man in the magazine. I thought that his face was more…agreeable than the magazine man’s face. Joseph’s eyes were kinder and her chin was stronger. But. I wondered if Joseph’s body looked like the man’s. I wondered if Joseph had a bulge between his legs like the man did. And if he did, what was it? I was just so curious. I found myself trying to picture Joseph with his clothes off. I thought about him kissing me while wearing nothing but those tiny white shorts. And then I felt even more ashamed for some reason. I felt tension rising inside of me. I was almost thankful when breakfast was over.
Despite all of my efforts to forget everything, or at least pretend it hadn’t happened, I couldn’t focus on anything all day. I made mistakes in my sewing, for which Mother chastised me. And I dropped an egg in the barn, for which Father thrashed me some. Finally, as evening approached, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wouldn’t talk to Joseph about what I’d done the night before, but I would talk to him about my curiosity. I had talked through all of his confusion and experiences with him. It was his turn to talk to me. At least that is what I told myself. Part of me knew that, even before I summoned Joseph to meet me in the barn, that I was going to go farther than talking. I knew, even if I couldn’t admit it to myself, that once you open Pandora’s Box with respect to curiosity and sex, that you can’t close it again. I didn’t have words for these concepts, but I knew them anyway. My brother had brought the world into our home and the night before I had allowed that world into my body. I needed to share that experience with someone, to take the world into my soul. And so I summoned my brother.
It was shortly after dinner and my parents were in the sitting room reading scripture. Normally at that time I would sit and listen to my Father read while I wrapped items for sale at the next market-day. Joseph would normally whittle or do some other minor hand craft.
“Joseph,” I said when we were all in the room, “today when I was in the barn, I noticed a few places where the boards have begun to rot.” Maintenance of the barn was my brother’s duty.
“What is that?” my father said severely. He did not need to see anything else. He didn’t even look up from the Bible. Instead my brother spoke.
“Well Anna, show me where you saw it,” Joseph said, getting up from his chair. We walked out to the barn together. When we got inside and lit a few lanterns, Joseph looked around curiously.
“Where are the rotten boards?” he asked earnestly. I smiled a little; I hadn’t realized that my ruse would be so successful not just with my parents but also with my brother.
“Joseph, don’t be daft,” I said, playfully smacking him on the arm. I felt his muscles under my hand wondered why I noticed that, “I just told you something was wrong so we could talk about something.”
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