I’d never really thought about what a man’s body looked like, but this was completely different than anything my imagination would have conceived. But for some reason, I liked it. It made my heart flutter and my palms sweat. I felt that same bodily compulsion I felt when I kissed Joseph! I didn’t know what to think of that. I wanted to move on from the picture, it made me feel so strange. But I couldn’t.
I picked the magazine up and walked over to my bed slowly. I kept looking at the picture, letting my eyes roam over it. I couldn’t figure out why I found it so alluring, beyond all of the other new sights and ideas I’d encountered in the magazine. I lay down on my back and held the magazine over my head. As I did so, I felt my nightgown ride up a little against my nipples. I suppressed a little squeak. That had felt so nice. Why? I looked down at my body. I was acutely aware of every nerve in my body. Everything felt electric.
I don’t know what possessed me to take my nightgown off, but it was the only thing I could think of that would release some of the tension I was feeling. It was more instinct than anything else. I put the magazine down and slipped my nightgown up over my head. As usual, I wasn’t wearing anything underneath.
I was only supposed to be naked when I was bathing or in the short time between getting out of my night clothes and into my day clothes. So I had little experience with my naked body. I looked down over it like it belonged to someone else. It felt alien. I looked at my small, pink nipples and they were sticking out hard from my body. I saw the way my chest tapered down to my waist and then flared out again to my hips. I looked at my flat tummy and thin legs. I looked at my private area and saw it glistening from moisture. I noticed, for the first time ever, a little pink nub at the top of my private area, sticking up. It was a tiny thing, I didn’t know what it was.
I picked my magazine up again and looked at it. I tried to understand what was happening to me, to figure out what about the picture was affecting me and what it had to do with my brother. But the more I looked, the more I felt tense. I felt like my entire body was vibrating and I couldn’t keep still. I tried to get comfortable, I moved the magazine a bit. As I did, I felt the corner of the magazine brush against my nipple.
“Oh god!” I said quietly, without realizing why. It was like a hot chill ran through my body. I know that is contradictory, but there is no other way to describe it. I looked down at my hard little nipple and wondered what had happened. I set the magazine down next to me on the bed. I moved my hand up towards my breast. I’d never much bothered with my breasts before, I didn’t have any idea why they were there (I was too young when my brother was born to remember nursing). But now they seemed to have a purpose. I took my forefinger and gently flicked my nipple. That same hot chill ran through me again and I bit my lower lip to keep from making noise. If my parents heard they would come in and find out I was doing… something.
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