She didn’t seem to mind, and a lot of evenings she would just watch TV or sometimes read a book. I would’ve enjoyed being able to hang out and watch TV with her, but I really wanted to make some progress with Russian literature. Also, I was just starting to really enjoy it and find it fascinating. And I did start to get a better sense of this kind of dark Russian sensibility and I began to feel myself starting to incorporate this into my vision of Yuri. It was about so much more than just waltzes and vintage clothing. It was an understanding that nothing came easy, that disappointment was more likely than success, but the one kept going, regardless.
I tried not to let that start affecting the weekday Brandon, although I guess it probably began to make me a little less chipper and maybe even a little more brooding than my usual self, even when I went into the office and was working with people I got along with and liked to hang out with.
The real test would be the weekends. We kept Friday nights for Brandon and Ellie, a chance for us to go out to dinner together and relax. But Saturday I would spend much of the day preparing myself mentally for the evening. That next Saturday, when I appeared with my new best and my vintage-looking tie, Lara was impressed. We waltzed, and we talked. We talked about the darkness of the weather, the darkness of events, the weight on the soul.
I could see Lara looking at me differently. I was moving into this world far more than she had expected. She reached over and held my hand as we talked. And when the evening was over, she gave me a hug as she said goodnight.
On Sunday, we — Brandon and Ellie — went out for a walk to enjoy a beautiful sunny day. We were both feeling the afterglow from last night, although neither of us was free to say a word about it. Still, there was a romantic image to our being together that hadn’t been there before.
Sunday night, Yuri and Lara got together again, and danced and talked, with Lara holding the Yuri’s hand practically the whole time. At the end of the evening, when it came time to say goodnight, she kissed me softly on the lips. “I am falling more in love with you, Yuri. Soon I fear I will fall in love with you completely. Even now, it is hard for me to say good night, but you know I must.”
Of course I would’ve loved more, would’ve loved a lot more, but I understood. I, of course, was in love with Lara all along, but I guess I felt I understood what that love meant in a way I had not understood it before.
The best part was, I knew what both of us wanted. And I knew it was up to me. I had to decide, “Whether I am a trembling creature or whether I have the right?” (A line from Dostoyevsky’s “Crime and Punishment.”) I don’t know whether that was the right way to use that quote, but I had to assert myself, to break past the idea that we were simply playing roles, and become the dark romantic figure of Lara’s dreams.
* * *
I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stand waiting. I would keep studying the stories and novels and plays, but I needed a grander gesture.