Still… I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was that was bothering me. Yes, all of this romance took a lot of work. It demanded attention, even a kind of vigilance. But it gave me something unlike anything I had ever found before. So it felt ungrateful, perhaps, to even wonder about any of it, to harbor even the slightest doubt.
Eventually, I managed to get focused on my work and put my questions away, at least until next weekend.
* * *
Wednesday evening, Ellie and I put on our sweats and had Chinese food again, along with our usual wine. We had been watching TV during dinner, but when the show ended, Ellie surprised me by taking the remote and turning the TV off. I looked at her, feeling puzzled.
She turned to me and said, “Brandon, I have something I want to talk to you about.”
In my experience, that sort of opening never portends well for the discussion to follow.
“Look, I’m going to break one of my own rules. It doesn’t feel quite right, but I can’t see any other way. Basically, I’m going to break the fourth wall. You know, that’s like when a character in a play or a television show or a movie stops and starts talking directly to the audience. They break that fourth wall that is supposed to divide us from the action.”
What? What the fuck was she talking about? What fourth wall was she talking about here?
“You know how I had said we were going to keep Yuri and Lara completely separate and not talk about them between us? Well, I think we need to talk about them, and about us. That’s what I mean about the fourth wall, opening up that sealed space that they’ve been living in and that we’ve been living in.
“Yuri and Lara have made some of the most beautiful, romantic love I could imagine. Perfect, tender, caring, loving. I had always dreamed of that kind of love, that kind of romantic connection. And I couldn’t have asked for anything that fulfilled that vision any better.”
I nodded cautiously. Of course there was a “but” coming.
“The thing is, with all that, and believe me, this past weekend was beyond magical. It was perfect in every way. But even with that, I began to realize that there’s something missing. I mean what could be missing from such a perfect romance? Wasn’t it everything I asked for and more? It was. But still…
“You know I love Yuri. He’s incredibly handsome and romantic and thoughtful and poetic. The thing is, there’s someone else.”
What?! I felt my heart drop in my chest. Was everything over? What had I done wrong?
“You see, Yuri is this romantic figure. And with him, everything is so romantic and perfect. And with him, I have to be perfect and romantic too.
“But this other guy, well, he’s romantic too, but it’s different. He’s real. And I just have this feeling I could do things with him that it wouldn’t be right to do with Yuri.
“I do love Yuri, and he is sexy in this really romantic way. But this other guy, well I guess the thing is, I feel like I could get kinky with him. It wouldn’t really feel right to get kinky with Yuri. You know what I mean?”