Mom came to my graduation and so did Roy. He even made a half-hearted play for her, but she didn’t forget that he cheated on her. He told me about it while I stayed with him and said he’d made a mistake. I never confided in him or Bunny how I felt about mom. But about a month later, I confided in her.
I’d made a few bucks from the training program I was in, I was no longer a minor, and I felt a confidence I never had before. I was planning on finding a place of my own as soon as I could afford it. So I felt on top of it all when I went to my mother’s for dinner. Maybe I wouldn’t have said anything if she didn’t look so hot. It wasn’t as if she was walking around in lingerie or anything, but she had make-up on, and her legs looked so long in that pencil skirt, and her tits looked so touchable in that tighter than usual top.
We were having a beer with the casserole she’d made and I said, “Mom, you look so good.”
She smiled and said, “Well, well.”
I said. “I wish you weren’t my mother.” That ended her smile and a terrible painful look crossed her face that I thought would bring her to tears.
I said, “No mom, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m glad you’re my mother, but I wish we could be more than just a mother and son.” She was baffled, and I could have stopped there with some lame remark about being friends or something, but I wanted her to know. I said “I love you mom.” That cleared up nothing because I had rarely said it to her, maybe because I was afraid she’d hear it the way I meant it.
She looked at with an ‘Are you okay?’ look, and said, “Honey…”
I said, “Let me just tell you something. You’re probably not going to like it, but I’m going to say it and then if you want me leave, I’ll go. Mom I love you, and I’ve loved you for a long time…like a man loves a woman.” She was at a loss. I said, “That’s why I had to move out mom, I couldn’t stand wanting you that way, looking at you, and not having you.”
Finally she gathered herself. To her credit she didn’t make believe she didn’t know what I was talking about. She didn’t say anything for a moment and I said, “Is that such a terrible thing mom?”
“No, Matt, it’s not terrible…I guess other boys get a crush on their mothers sometimes, but you were young then, why wouldn’t you be thinking about girls your own age?”
I said, “I was old enough; not that it matters…I don’t know mom, ever since I can remember it’s always been you…I want you.”
She was obviously searching for something to say, and she gave a wan smile and said, “It’s just a crush Mattie, you’ll…”
“Mom, it’s not a crush, I love you. And I see how unhappy you are, and I want to make you feel good, and I want to feel good with you. I know it’s a crazy fantasy, but I think we could make each other happy. Mom, I’m as miserable as you are.”
“Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to say, you tell me this, and I want to be here for you, but this is something I can’t even get my mind around. I don’t know what you want me to do.”
To me it was obvious, but I wasn’t ready to say the words, so I said, “I just want to be able to talk to you and tell you, and stop acting like things aren’t the way they are for me. Just tell me if we can at least talk about this sometime, it doesn’t have to be now.”