Sunday night became “our night”. After she put Owen to bed, we watched a movie on Netflix in our night clothes. The choices we could agree on all seemed to be romantic comedies. They seemed funnier and more romantic with Nicole sitting next me. Was it my imagination, or was she every week moving steadily closer to me? When the movie was over, we chatted for a long time about the movie or anything else that came to mind, then we turned in together. It seemed to me that she snuggled extra close on those nights.
Every night when I came to bed, Nicole would snuggle up to me and say, “You’re a great big brother.” I would always reply, “You’re a great sister.” It was a daily reminder that my wanting Nicole was wrong and would come to nothing.
One change I noticed was Nicole’s compliments of me. She continued to regularly tell me “You’re so sweet” and “You’re so considerate.” She started slipping in other compliments like “You’re so strong” and “You’re so wonderful to life with.” When I complimented her on her looks, she sometimes countered with some like “You look pretty good yourself.” The best was when she would tell me, “You’re going to make a lucky girl very happy some day.” The way she said it, I had hope she was picturing herself in the role of the lucky girl.
At school, there were a number of women in my classes that I could potentially ask out. However, there were far more guys than girls in my classes and I decided I wouldn’t compete for the attention of the girls. I “forgot” to do the things I had planned to do when school started – get an Engineering student as a roommate and set Nicole up with one of my Engineering friends. Nicole didn’t remind me. At tutoring, there were two girls who made it clear to me that they were interested if I was interested. When my shift was over, one of them would talk to me as I packed up as if she was hoping I might ask her out. My thoughts were always miles away.
Maybe it was growing up in such a dysfunctional family, but I discovered I had a huge craving for a strong, stable family life and I had that with Nicole and Owen. I looked forward every day to coming home to them. She had become my best friend. Working out hard six days a week had given Nicole a smoking-hot body to go with her pretty face. None of the girls I knew at college came close to her.
I was in love with my sister. Not in lust, though I wanted her badly. In love, as in I wanted to be with her and Owen forever and ever. I wanted to tell her that I was in love with her, but how? “Hey sis, I am madly in love with you. Let’s fuck!” What if she wasn’t in love with me? Every night, she told me that she thought of me as a great big brother. How do I get her to think of me as a man?
* * * *
In early November, Nicole and I watched another romantic comedy. While we were watching the movie, she seemed to be sitting closer to me than she ever had before. At some point, I put my arm on the couch back above her shoulders. She put her head on my shoulder. I dropped my arm to around her shoulders. We watched the rest of movie in that position.