After that, the conversation died down again and when we spoke for the rest of the trip, it was never about that topic. I did find myself staring at him more than I had the previous day, though. His arms, his neck, his chest, his hair, his face, his legs, his hands… There was a lot a woman could find attractive about my son, I was suddenly realising. Not that I was fantasising, though, I told myself. Perish the thought I was attracted to him. That was unnatural and offensive to my husband – and just human nature – on so many levels. No, I had just solved the mystery of why and how he’d had so many girlfriends. With a face and body like that, he could have his pick of any number of women, and he certainly did. Not that I’m judging, of course – in my youth I’d had a fair few boyfriends before meeting and settling down with Mark.
As I found myself appreciating what all his girlfriends must have appreciated about Joel’s looks, I started to feel the beginnings of some tingling between my legs. That was ludicrous, of course. I was just sex-starved and bored on this seemingly endless road we found ourselves on, and my mind and body had gotten confused about who I should and should not be fantasising about, that was all. I certainly wasn’t feeling the beginnings of attraction to my own son. No, absolutely not, I told myself.
Finally, the motel! I was very keen to get out of that cab that night, even more than I was the day before. Another Subway salad for dinner, then a nice hot shower. Given the day’s most interesting conversation topic, I took a moment or two to study my naked body in the mirror after my shower. My wavy, long, dyed-jet-black hair sat with my fringe covering my forehead, and the body of my hair ending just above my breasts. Now these, I’m happy with, stretch marks and all. Even after breastfeeding Joel and Kirsty, they were symmetrical and as perky as D-cups can be – bouncy, without being saggy. My nipples? The areola are probably larger than average, but the nipples themselves are pink and no bigger than average I suppose. I’m also happy with how my tummy looks. After childbirth and a fairly long chubby period, I put in a lot of hard work at home and with a yoga class and finally got it back to my pre-baby body, so now it’s nice and flat, and you can even see a little bit of muscle tone if the light’s just right. My butt is nothing special – a bit flat, really – but it’s still in proportion to the rest of me, so I consider that a win. My legs are thin but short – I’m only 5’4″ so I really curse them at times, such as trying to reach the top shelves in the kitchen. I also had done a bold thing the night before Joel and I left on our road trip and, when showering and shaving my legs and armpits, I applied my razor to an area I hadn’t since I was about 30. So that night, I was still sporting a freshly shaved pubic area. Surveying the entire landscape that was my naked, 54-year old body, I was actually really happy with my looks for the first time in a long time. Bolstered by Joel’s confession that morning, I really felt good about what I was trying to achieve with this silly little surprise I had planned for my husband. I eventually got dressed in my comfy satin slip and let Joel have his own shower.
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