“Gavin!”
Dad held up his hand and Mom knew from that gesture that it wasn’t up for debate.
“Condition number two: I won’t be down the club yukking it up when MY wife and MY son are conceiving MY baby. I’ll be in the room with you!”
“Again” I thought. This was happening again. Of course it was.
“Gavin, I don’t think—”
“If I’m going to be responsible for this child the rest of my life, I think I have a right to be there when it’s conceived. Seem fair? Does to me. Any questions? No? Good.”
And that was that. Make a calendar entry for Tuesday: Fuck Mom till pregnant.
*********************************
“Lori isn’t feeling well, Mike,” said Mrs. Branch while shaking her head “no.”
“Sorry to hear that, Mrs. Branch.” I said it in a voice that would carry.
I was supposed to take Lori for an ice cream. It felt more like work than a date now. It was all crashing down with Lori and me.
Mrs. Branch leaned close and said, “She’s really going to meet someone—I don’t know who. Mike, don’t let her make a fool of you. You don’t deserve that.”
I nodded and said in a loud voice to go along with the deception, “Tell her I hope she’s feeling better and to give me a call when she does.” That way I didn’t have to call her.
Mrs. Branch whispered, “I’ve thought about you, thought about what we’ve done.”
I whispered, “I hope in a good way.”
She put the flat of her hand on my chest. “And what was left undone,” she said.
Lori’s shrill voice drifted down the stairs: “He gone?”
I waved and left.
********************************
“You’re home early,” Mom said.
“Lori wasn’t feeling well.” The lie was easier than the truth.
“Tomorrow,” Mom said.
“Tomorrow,” I said.
There was an awkward silence.
“Think we should talk?”
“No. Probably be easier than we think,” I said, and then laughed. Mom laughed too.
“Probably not!”
“What could go wrong?” I said, and we laughed some more.
“I can’t believe this is happening. I mean really happening.”
“Me either,” I said.
“And your dad’s ‘conditions.'”
“Yeah, him being in the room is a buzzkill, but I guess he has a right to be there. I’ll do my best to block him out.”
Mom looked thoughtful. “That doesn’t bother me as much as the other.”
“Being naked?”
“Yeah—being naked. I’m very self-conscious. In the past twenty years only your father and a few doctors have seen my naked body. Now I’m going to have my teenaged son, who has teenaged expectations about what a woman’s body is supposed to look like, is going to inspect me head to toe. My naked head to my naked toe. That’s got me very nervous, which I don’t need with the pressure on tomorrow night.”
“No need, Mom. You’ve got a great body. You keep in shape, you watch your diet—you do everything right. I can tell even with your clothes on you’re a knockout. So no problem.”
“I just wish that part were over and done with so I wouldn’t dread that moment tomorrow night.”
“Then, that’s a good idea.”
“What’s a good idea?”
“Let’s get that part over and done with. Let’s get naked right now and then tomorrow night there’s less to go wrong and be nervous about.”