“Look at me planning, getting ahead of myself. I haven’t, we haven’t even talked about some of the real implications here. It’s all been about the end result, a baby. But there’s a lot to think about before we plunge ahead.”
“Like what, Mom? We talked it all out already about why we’re doing this.”
“Why in this matter is easy. Our motives are pure, but our method is less so. Don’t you realize we would be committing incest? That’s against all the rules. Even places without rules have that as a rule.”
“Mom, nobody has to know. Ever.”
“And another thing, I’m your mother. You might not even be able to, you know. But, I guess I’m used to that. And, as for me, I’ll be so embarrassed I might just die. I mean, I don’t want you to see me … naked.”
“Those are details, Mom. Let’s keep looking at the big picture.”
I would have worried a lot more about the details a month ago. Before my experiences with Auntie Lee and Mrs. Branch. Now, after being with them, I was sure that I would be able to perform my duty with my mother. Plus, I was fired up at the idea of getting rid of this empty feeling I had carried all my life. Looking for my other half and never finding it … her.
“The big picture is that someone else WOULD have to know. And that person is your father.”
“Dad! Why would we tell him? He’s the last guy I would want to know I’m doing this.”
“And, if I get pregnant—”
“When you get pregnant, not if.”
“And when I get pregnant, what do I tell him then? Divine intervention?”
“Sounds good. He would say ‘no’ in a second. You know him. Something like this? Mom, you and I are in this on a whole different level than Dad. It’s almost like he’s on the outside looking in. You’ve felt Michelle is waiting there. I’ve felt like she’s missing. How can we ever explain that these are real feelings to other people who won’t just pass them off as crazy? That’s what Dad would do.”
“You don’t know your dad as well as you think.”
“Dad would never approve of you getting pregnant with another guy, even if it’s me.”
“Well—I shouldn’t tell you this, but, after all our options ran out for artificial insemination, you father suggested I have sex with another man in order to get pregnant.”
“NO … WAY!”
“Yeah, some guy he knew. He even had me meet him. This was before I knew what your father was planning. I cut that plan short as soon as I knew what was going on.”
“Wow. Any other surprises.”
“At some of our therapy sessions, the doctor thought watching some ‘art films’ together may help your father’s dysfunction.”
“By art films you mean porno?”
“Could be.”
“And you did it. Watch I mean?”
“Watched, yes. ‘Did it’—no. They didn’t have any effect. On either of us. The stuff he picked was weird too. Something called cuckold. Made no sense to me and made me sad for the people in them.”
“So, in any way do you think Dad would be okay with me getting you pregnant?”
“Your dad is very concerned about me. He loves me and wants the best for our family. He knows how much I need a child, and he feels terrible that he hasn’t been able to produce another child. And he’ll feel the loss, the emptiness once you’re gone.”