“When I first started saving the notes, I just kept them because I enjoyed having something from Mother when I felt lonely or something. The change that took place, as I mentioned, was when I hit puberty and began to observe Mother as a woman.
“Her smile, her mood, her ass, breasts; all of her began bringing new meaning and especially new feelings to me. Feelings included unbridled love, trust, and lust.”
The sound of rustling paper fills the background of the recording.
“Let’s see what this one says.”
Love,
I ‘ m going to miss you while you ‘ re at camp with your Dad! I ‘ ll have snacks and drinks ready to sit and hear all about it when you get home. I miss you!
Love,
Your Mother
“There was a kiss mark on that one. It seems sometime later I drew a heart on it. I did that to my favorite notes. I remember the night I wrote hearts on some of the notes. It was the night that changed my life, and the same night that the words appeared atop my secret box here.
“I had sat down in my closet and was reading through them all, marking my favorites with hearts on the back. I would read each one and when my heart felt a certain way, I turned it over and grabbed my four-in-one pen and picked a random color and drew the tiny image on the back of each note. Some were green, red, blue or black. I never knew then that the box the notes would be in would be the last thing I had to remember Mother.
“It was during that time that I encountered my first sexual thoughts about Mother. I was confused and didn’t know if something bad was happening to me. I read the notes and felt my penis begin to harden. It wasn’t the first time it ever happened, but it was the first time it happened when I thought of someone who was a real person in my life.
“At that age, I was vaguely aware of what sexual attraction was, and I didn’t do the math in my head. The love of my mother had turned into a sexual attraction for me.
“That night, I left a note for Mother.”
Mother,
I would like to have a talk tonight. I will prepare the snacks!
I love you,
Garrett
“That note is something I found out not long ago, was something that Mother kept. She didn’t have a fancy box like I did. I discovered this box in a mound of her things in the closet in her room. It wasn’t out in the open, but it also wasn’t hidden. If anyone found the box, they would have thought it was simply a collection of memorable and genuine things her son gave to her as a child.
“The next day, after dinner, I prepared the snacks and called Mother down to talk to me. It was a long chat that took us well into the late hours of the evening. I started the conversation asking about sex and any associated topic I could think of. She was always considerate of me and answered every question with enthusiasm and facts without bias. She referred me to my father as well, to get what she deemed as the most important perspective on the subject. She said that day, ‘His input will build on mine and give you all the information you need, sweetie!’ “
“I learned and understood a lot about human sexual behavior, including the taboo nature of my feelings. I never expressed them at all, but the information gleaned from both my parents lead me to believe that my thoughts weren’t common among people in our society. With that in mind, I never moved beyond my boyish fantasies with Mother. I didn’t think of them as boyish at the time. I think, now, I was falling in love with Mother at that early age.