The first time we almost crossed the physical barrier, we were at a dinner place where there was dancing. We’d had a few drinks and during a soft ballad I felt her moving against me much more than the dance required. I know she knew I was hard, because her hand rested on it twice. The first time probably by accident, and the second time, probably to see if she was feeling what she thought she was feeling. I wanted to say, “I’m hard for you mom.” I wanted her to say, “I’m glad you’re hard for me.” It didn’t happen.
When we got home, we changed our clothes and sat to watch the news before going to bed. Mom was wearing a T-shirt and I could see that she wasn’t wearing a bra because the points of her nipples were evident through the material. I leaned over and kissed her and rested my hand on her tit. I fondled her breast as I kissed her. She didn’t push my hand away. I put my hand under her shirt.
There were so many times I’d thought of holding my mother’s bare tit, but I still wasn’t prepared for the reality of her velvety soft skin, and the weight of her flesh in my hand, and the rubbery feel of her nipple as it hardened. It sounds like it went on for a long while, but it didn’t.
She broke the kiss and put her hand on my cheek and she said, “Danny, I can’t do what you want to do.” She looked in my eyes with a sad expression and I let go of her breast and took my hand out from under the shirt. She said, “Baby, it would be so easy to do this…because I want to, and I want to do it for you. But for one thing, I don’t know if I can get my head around it. And for another, even though I can see that you want me now, it won’t work baby. If not today, or next month, the time will still come when you’ll need someone else, someone nearer your own age and…”
She wouldn’t even listen to my protestations and explanations. It was just ‘No.’ There was now another barrier between us, and every hug or innocent kiss had thoughts behind it from both of us. After a while mom said, “Danny things are going so much better thanks to you, there doesn’t have to be this tension between us, does there baby? Can’t we go back to being the way we were?”
I said, “Sure mom, we will,” and I did make some attempt to be cheerful around her, but it was sort of like trying to put one of those cheap raincoats back into the bag they come in – very difficult.
After playing ping-pong with it in my head until I was dizzy, I went to the person whose judgment I trusted the most. I had grown to love Carla as a mentor and a friend. I wasn’t sure she could handle this, but I had no one else to turn to. As we sat together on the piano bench I said, “Carla, can I talk you about something?”
“You know you can Danny,” She laughed and added, “But if it’s about relationships, I have to warn you, I’m almost bankrupt in that department.”
“Well it sort of…is.” I said.
Carla said, “Red says you have more girls asking you out than you know what to do with, and don’t you tell him I said that, because I think he’s a little jealous.”