“I should have known you have no compassion. Not even any pity. Not even after all I’ve been through. Even though you were driving the night of the accident that caused this.”
Again with the guilt. I’d do anything to get rid of it. Maybe that was part of the driving force behind trying to get pregnant again.
“Here, you close your eyes and I’ll do the rest.” I approached, and mercifully he complied.
It took five minutes for him to get an “erection” and then another minute before I caught a thin, weak issue of a few drops of clear liquid. My mouth at its driest could spit more than that. I had no hope this would get me pregnant.
Out in the car, Danny sat looking at his phone. He didn’t even glance up as I slid behind the wheel.
“Did dear ol’ Dad mention me?”
Danny wouldn’t come in to see his father. It had nothing to do with my task. They just didn’t see eye to eye any more. Before the accident, Melvin was proud of his son and his athletic abilities so much like his own. Now, I felt he was jealous of Danny’s perfect body, always comparing his own withered limbs against his son’s strong and fully-functioning legs.
The years of jealousy and scorn had turned their relationship sour, and even though it might have been my imagination, I think that Danny actually rubbed his superiority in his father’s face at any chance he got. He countered his father’s bitter sternness by showing him he could do things his father couldn’t.
“Did you get what you came for?” Danny asked, giving a spiteful little laugh.
“Yes,” I sighed. “We have to get it to the clinic so they can care for it until tomorrow, when I go for the procedure.”
“Tell me you really think it’ll work this time. You’re dreaming! You’re delusional!”
“Danny, don’t talk like that.”
“Come off it, Mom. He has no chance of getting you pregnant. Not in a hundred years. If I were you, I’d give up. Or, at least go to another plan.” He still hadn’t looked up from his phone.
I sat there staring ahead, knowing what he had said was true. That’s when four recent thoughts came together:
1. Another plan
2. Gooey tissues
3. Off the charts
4. Rocket fuel
I didn’t know if I was crazy, desperate, or desperately crazy. I didn’t even know if I could say the words I knew I had to say.
“Danny, you like kids, don’t you?”
“Mom, we talked this over before. You know I’d like a little brother or sister. You know that. That’s not the problem.”
“I know that, but … in the future do you think you’d want a child of your own?”
“I’d sure be a better dad than Dad. I’d treat them right.” This time he looked up and his blue eyes met my brown eyes squarely, and I knew what he said came from his heart.
“Danny, I’m going to say something, and you can say ‘no’ and I’ll understand. It’s something that is going to shock you.”
“Mom, you’re the most unshocking person I know. I don’t think you’re going to shock me very much.”
I didn’t even know how to begin. I couldn’t just come out and say what I wanted to say directly. “Danny, I know you have a lot of energy. A real lot of extra energy that you have to let out at times.”