Mazie looked at me. She had expected her customary hug from him, but it wasn’t coming today.
“I’ll heat up the soup for us, Danny.”
“No, Mom! I’ll do it. You shouldn’t be standing so much today. We have to give this the best chance we can.”
“That’s right, Danny,” Mazie said. “You take care of your Mom.”
“I took special good care of her this afternoon, Mrs. Walker.” He looked at me and smiled for a split second. I didn’t smile back.
Mazie leaned close an whispered, “He so cute with his concerns. He must really want a little brother or a sister!”
More accurately, I thought, a son or a daughter. “Yeah, he’s something,” I said instead.
**************************
We ate mostly in silence. I didn’t know if nothing needed to be said, or so much needed to be said we both didn’t know where to start. The silence wasn’t forced, and it didn’t feel that uncomfortable.
Maybe I was hoping it would continue and wouldn’t have to face any questions I couldn’t handle, either emotionally or just plain fact-wise.
“Mom, I know you said we shouldn’t mention this afternoon any more, but I think we should talk.”
“I agree.” That seemed to surprise him. “Go ahead.”
He didn’t look up at me and stirred the rest of his soup around a few times.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed, Danny. Nothing was your fault. Nothing. If anyone ought to feel guilty, it has to be me. I told you, I’m the adult and could have stopped it if I really wanted. And don’t think you persuaded me or talked me into it. You made a lot of really good points, intelligent points. You gave me a lot to think about, and I did. I made my decision. I admit there was a physical factor that I hadn’t counted on, but I’m a big girl and can handle that. I went into it with my eyes wide open.”
“Mom,I never want you to feel guilty about it. I don’t have one regret about it. I hope you never do either. I think it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I never felt so close to anybody or ever loved anybody more than this afternoon. I think it was beautiful and I hope you’ll think so too when today is over.” He reached over and took my hand in his. This was the first physical contact we’d had since the bedroom. Our hands together felt just like before, the closeness of a mother and her son.
I said, “What we shared this afternoon WAS beautiful. It truly was ‘making love.’ It all happened because we love each other and wanted to bring that love to another life we hope to create. That’s the difference between making love, and now your Mom’s going to shock you—that’s the difference between making love and ‘fucking.'”
“Mom! I never heard you say that before.
“Fucking to me is when you have to have sex because your body can’t stand not to any more. There’s so much passion and desire that your mind can’t handle it. It’s a wild, out of control feeling that drives you to one goal and one goal only—an orgasm. That’s the only thing that can cure that emotional state.”
“Mom. I—”
“I’m only telling you this to point out how different what we did today was, how much purer our motives were, and how you shouldn’t ever feel it was wrong and feel bad about yourself.”