She swallowed, “I guess I’m trying to say you were good. You were really good.”
I felt my pride swell, but I kept wearing the face of a solemn, sorry old man. Because that’s how I truly felt. I couldn’t believe she was being so gracious about me doing such a horrible thing.
“Sex with my dad is wrong,” she said. It was such a pure, simple, obvious sentence, “I’ve been saying that a bunch for the last few days, over and over. And I know it’s true, and I’ll always know it’s true. But girls mature a lot faster than boys, and I can’t find a guy who knows what he’s doing, even college guys. Even though you did something awful, I don’t know…I have to forgive you for not asking my permission, and for being my dad and violating a lot of our relationship. But sex with your dad is wrong, and what you did is wrong.”
She shifted again and sighed, “It took me a day or so, but I wasn’t even mad at you about ramming it in. I really want to feel pissed about that, but for some reason I can’t….”
I flashed back to the dichotomy of Alicia from college, pleading with me to stop before I put it in her, and then to her pleading with me to stay. I’d put the same groundswell of irrationality in my own daughter.
“I was actually, as fucked up as it sounds, sad that you didn’t stay and hold me or talk to me. You just said that shitty thing about me dancing and left. I felt really cold and alone. That’s what I was actually mad about. And I wanted you to know.”
I nodded, “I’m sorry for making you feel anything. All of this was messed up and wrong, you’re right.”
She shook her head and laughed nervously, “I uhm, I can’t stop thinking about cumming. And I think, even though it’s disgusting and fucked up, in a way you were trying to be my dad. I was naked, and I do that move because that part of the song really makes me feel like I’m having an orgasm, or at least what I used to think it felt like. And I try to think, maybe this is true, but I like to think you saw your daughter in need. And I’m not that articulate, but I know that cavemen used to fuck their own daughters, right? Like, Adam and Eve stuff. So, there was some part of you that’s ape, the part women like a man to be when they’re in bed, that just took over. You saw me in need, and you wanted to fill that need.”
I was taken aback at how smart and insightful she was. I never saw it that way, but maybe she was right. Seeing her in that position, with my fatherly instincts mixing with my overdriven perversion, must have been part of it. I was a cluster of emotions, perhaps she was right.
“But you went about it the wrong way. I don’t know how you could have went about it, since it’s taboo to ask to fuck your own daughter, and I never would have gone through with it for a million reasons, but that was the wrong way to do it. But well…I’m not going to screw up your life or anything. And I like that I can talk to you like this now, since our family is pretty lame. I mean it’s like mom is a prison warden and we can’t just be real with each other. And what we did together, that felt really real. After a few seconds, even as I was cumming, it started making sense. So I wanted to talk to you, so you could stop feeling so bad.”
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