“Well, I want to say I never thought of you sexually, ever, in your life. This is all new to me. And it isn’t your fault for dancing that way. I think it’s fucked up that our culture has girls doing sing-alongs in the nude, but I’m a hypocrite and I don’t really have any moral authority anymore, now do I?”
Her eyes kind of lit up when I said that, though I wasn’t sure why.
“I walked into the house, early from work, and I saw you and your friend…”
“Jennifer,” she replied. She was very collected and calm. I was jealous, seeing as I felt like I was on the verge of a heart attack.
“…Jennifer, doing the dance. And I watched it a couple of times. And…it brought something out of me. I got kind of obsessed, I guess. Your mom and I don’t make love much, and I had a lot of pent up frustrations from it, and I got kind of obsessed with that little move you do.”
She smiled, “You liked that?”
I sort of nodded, “Something like that. Not ‘like.’ It made me sort of an…animal, I guess. I stopped thinking right. I couldn’t control it. And uhm, I sort of spied on you and your boyfriend when he was over. I hooked up a camera, and it was damaging to see you having sex…I shouldn’t have done it. I know that was fucked up, and I could lie and say it was for your safety, but it was really because I wanted to see you nude, again. I’m a pervert, and it’s disgusting.”
I thought she’d be angry and yell at me, but she seemed to smile again.
“I got kind of pent up, and I told myself I wouldn’t act on it, but I saw you doing the dance again and…that song is really sexually charged, you know? It’s actually about rape, did you know that? Or kind of about it…”
She nodded, “I like how it’s, you know, really messed up lyrically but everybody seems to love it. Even soccer moms. I think that’s hot.”
I nodded, “Uhm, it will never happen again. I am a dog, and I am sorry. I might never make it up to you the rest of your life, but…”
She shook her head, “Stop with that stuff. I liked it when you were keeping it real.”
I stopped, and we were silent for a moment. “Do you, uhm, have anything you want to say to me?”
She sighed, “I’ve known about you and mom for years. I know that she has her whole, ya know, high-horse thing, and that you’re not really like that. I’ve always known that about you.”
It was revealing to hear your own child tell you how they saw through your own marriage. I never took her to be that mature or perceptive. But then again, maybe I never took the time to know her as growing adult at all.
“And I thought something was up that night I saw you in your underwear downstairs. Because you left the basement light on, and there was that tissue by the couch. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was weird. And I guess knowing that you saw me and Kyle together kind of explains some stuff…you pry pieced together that I was super fucking horny. Watching the dances, I figured that you had seen me do it before, because of what you said, but now it makes even more sense.”
She shifted on the bench, “And what you did, the first ten-fifteen seconds, I was really scared. And I thought it was a nightmare. But uhm, I guess I have to be honest here. I don’t want relationships. Seeing you and mom, and how society is and stuff…and how it churns people up…I don’t care about having boyfriends, or getting married. And I’ve always wanted to have an orgasm with a guy. I’ve tried with a lot of boys, but I never got there. But you got me there, like three times. And it’s like your mind shuts down, and your body does whatever, and uhm, it was crazy. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt, and I know now why I wanted it so bad. Because it’s the best thing I’ve ever felt.”
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