Ten minutes later I heard the wheels of the computer chair squeak, and turned to see my mom staring intently at the computer.
“Oh, shit, you scared me, Mom! I didn’t know you were here.”
“Obviously not, kiddo. You forgot to delete the history on the computer.”
My heart turned into a lead weight when she said that, and I felt myself turn beet red and start to tremble.
“Mom, I-”
“You don’t have to say anything to me about it. In fact, I kind of suspected. I always have. I’ve noticed the way you look at me. To be honest, I always thought it was cute, but this…”
“Mom, I’m so sorry. Really, it was just something I was curious about. It wasn’t about you!”
“No, I think it was. I mean…do you want to do this stuff with me? To me? I saw what you posted…about my body, about how turned on you get when I wear this yellow dress…”
I got up and ran upstairs as fast as I could. I couldn’t think. Everything was fucked up. Everyone would find out what a freak I was, and my mom would never talk to me again. I thought about what I would do, about getting as far away from here as possible.
I tried to calm myself down and think clearly. Sitting down on the bed, I put my head in my hands and tried to breathe slowly. That was when I heard a small knock on the door.
“I’m coming in, sweetie.”
My mom’s voice, of course, and I had forgotten to lock the door. She walked in and though I knew it was stupid, I couldn’t help but notice what she was wearing. It was that dress, the yellow dress of desire I was sure had destroyed my relationship with my mom, the person I cared most about in the world.
“Mom, I’m sorry, okay? I…I can’t help it. I know it’s wrong, but-”
“Shhhh.” She sat down on the bed next to me and pulled my head over to rest on her shoulder. She put her arm around me and began stroking my hair. I had an amazing view down the front of her dress, but I couldn’t really enjoy it.
“It’s okay, sweetie. We can talk about it. How long have you felt…this way…about me….?”
“Forever, mom, or at least since I’ve been old enough to think about sex.”
“Do you think about me when you…you know, when you-”
“All the time, mom. So much recently, to tell you the truth, especially since the other day when-”
“When you saw me naked, right?”
“No…well, yes, but…that wasn’t really what I thought about.”
“What did you think about, baby?”
“The milk. The bit you spilled on yourself. I kept thinking about it flowing between your..breasts…and down your belly….and I would get really…well, I’d get horny! Is that was you want me to say?!”
I got up and stormed over to the corner of the room, furious with myself for telling her all this.
“You probably want me to leave, mom, and I can’t blame you. I’ll get some stuff together and stay at Stephen’s ’til I find another place.”
“Sweetheart, just come sit down for a minute. C’mon, right here.” She scooted over and patted the bed. “Come lay your head in my lap like when you were little.”
I was reluctant to go near my mother, this beautiful saint, this wonderful angel who I adored and had now betrayed, but I couldn’t say no. I lay down on the bed and put my head in her lap. She began to rub my shoulder and stroke my hair.
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