I sat on the couch in what was ostensibly the living room of our apartment to watch TV and try to forget about my troubles. I hoped I could get into a happier mood by the time Mom got home. I didn’t really want to explain to her why I was cranky, nor did I want her to worry about me.
My mood hadn’t noticeably improved by the time I heard Mom come in. I put on a neutral expression and pretended to be engrossed in a show I hadn’t really been paying attention to.
“Hi, sweetie,” Mom greeted me.
She walked over gave me a kiss on the cheek before sitting down beside me.
“Hey,” I said without looking at her.
“How was your day?”
“Fine. How was yours?”
“Pretty good, actually. One of the girls at work is getting married, so there’s a lot of stuff going on with that. I swear, every lunch she’s so busy planning that she doesn’t even eat.”
I tuned out as Mom kept talking. I felt kind of bad for not paying attention, but at the same time I knew she wouldn’t expect me to care that much about most of it anyway. She was very aware that ‘girl things,’ such as wedding planning, were not something I was interested in. Sometimes she liked to tell me about them anyway, and I didn’t mind being someone for her to talk at.
“So what did you do today?” she finally asked me.
“Um, just… you know. Stuff.”
“Ah. Must have been a good time.”
“Yeah. I s’pose.”
I knew I should have given slightly longer answers if I didn’t want Mom to pry. It was possible that somewhere deep inside me, I secretly wanted to tell her about my girl troubles, such as they were. Overall, I maintained that I was happier keeping them to myself.
“I can tell something’s bugging you,” Mom said softly. “You don’t have to tell me what it is if you don’t want to, but you can.”
“I… it’s nothing,” I said. “Just wasn’t a great day is all. I feel kind of silly for letting it get to me.”
“We all have days like that, honey. You don’t have feel bad about it.”
“I know, but… I guess I’m just cranky.”
“Well, you’re allowed to be. I’m still here for you anytime you need me.”
I nodded and forced a weak smile. We sat there for several minutes without saying anything. I expected Mom to either try and engage me again or leave, but she did neither. It was somehow both reassuring and infuriating to have her sitting there beside me while I was trying to wallow in self-pity.
“There’s a girl,” I said.
I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to say anything. I’d been doing a good job of shutting up until then.
“A girl you like?” Mom asked.
“Yeah. A girl I like. Only she’s already with someone.”
“Oh, sweetie…”
“It’s fine. Whatever. She’s not even that great.”
“But you can’t help what you feel.”
She sounded more like she was stating a fact than hazarding a guess. Either way, she was right.
“I should just move on, right? That’s what I keep thinking. There’s lots of girls out there and there’s no particular reason to obsess over this one. I just… I can’t help it.”
I waited for Mom to offer advice of some sort, or maybe a sincere but unhelpful declaration of belief in my many virtues. I was resigned to getting something along those lines. I wasn’t dreading the inevitable so much as I just wanted to get it over with and move on.