I found myself staring up at my ceiling for the next little while. I was tired, but somehow unable to drift back off. It was one of those times where I had no idea what my body wanted from me.
There was a slight creak from the floor in the hallway. Mom stepped into sight, just barely passing the threshold before stopping.
“Are you still awake?” she called softly.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m awake.”
“Sorry. I know I said I wouldn’t bother you again.”
“You said you wouldn’t wake me up again. You’re still good.”
A brief smile flashed across her face. She padded closer and sat down on the edge of my bed. I scooted over to make more room.
“Your father was always good at remembering details too,” she said wistfully. “You remind me of him so much sometimes.”
“In a good way I assume?”
“Mm-hm. I think you managed to get all of his best qualities.”
Mom reached out and ruffled my hair affectionately. I kind of liked the way it felt when she did that.
“I got half my genes from you, you know,” I said. “That probably helped.”
“Now you’re just humouring me.”
“Maybe. Doesn’t mean I’m wrong. If you think I have a lot of good qualities, that has at least as much to do with you as Dad. Probably more.”
Mom went silent for a moment. It was hard to read her face without the light on, but she seemed to be off in her own world. Maybe she was reminiscing about Dad. I caught her doing that sometimes.
“I still miss him, you know,” she said softly.
“Me too,” I said.
“I know, sweetie. It hasn’t been easy on you either. It’s just… I miss sleeping with him. And I mean actually sleeping, just before your mind goes somewhere else with that.”
“Mom, children do their very best to pretend like their parents never, ever have sex. I can assure you.”
“Yes, well… anyway, the point was he always used to be able to help me fall asleep when I was having trouble. I don’t know what it was, but all he had to do was hold me. It was better than any pill or breathing technique I ever tried.”
There was a trace of sadness and longing in Mom’s voice. I wasn’t sure whether to comment on it or not. Prodding her to talk more might help, or it might hurt. I wasn’t really sure which.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine.”
She wiped her hand quickly across her cheek. I wasn’t sure if she’d started crying, or if it was something else.
I sat up and hugged Mom. She seemed a little tense at first, but she soon relaxed into the hug. Her breasts pressed against my chest as we held each other for a moment. I felt kind of embarrassed for noticing them, but I’d gotten used to pretending I didn’t.
“I should get back to bed,” she said eventually.
“Okay, Mom. Good night.”
“Good night, sweetie. Sleep well.”
****
I was in a bad mood when I got home the next day. I didn’t really have a good reason for feeling that way, which only made it worse somehow.
The root of most of my troubles lately was a girl. I liked her, but she already had a boyfriend. The smart thing would have been to move on, but that turned out to be more difficult than expected. About a week ago she and her boyfriend had broken up. The event had given me a dangerous amount of hope that maybe I had a chance with her after all. I decided I couldn’t just go ask her out immediately and should give it some time. Today I’d learned that they were back together. That small piece of news was enough to put a negative spin on the rest of my day.