All this meant that my testicles were incredibly tender. I had to sit in a certain way just to keep from hurting myself. Emily seemed fidgety, as well. She kept shifting position and making these little frustrated grunts. But neither of us suggested doing anything. Not even a wink or a playful grope. And so we just stared mutely at the TV as I flipped the channels.
As I said, my parents wouldn’t pay for cable so we just got broadcast down there. We had all the basic stuff plus these strange, sub-channels that would play, say, three hour marathons of Night Court or all the Robert DeNiro movies that weren’tgood.
Every now and again though we’d trip over something classic. That afternoon in mid-May we hit the jackpot: Rebel Without a Cause. Emily had never seen it so we watched. The movie had that saturated look from old color movies and the red of James Dean’s jacket seem like the warmest thing in the world.
We got to the ‘chickie’ scene. James Dean gets in a knife fight with Buzz, but that’s not enough. They agree to race each other, heading toward a cliff. Whoever jumps out first is ‘chickie.’ They line up all the other cars and flip on the lights. Each guy gets some dirt on his hands. And then they peel off toward death and destiny.
Emily had been sort of in and out of the movie to this point, but when we got to this scene she leaned forward. She just stared, enraptured, as the two cars took off. The cliff got closer. Dean’s rival, Buzz, got caught on the door and couldn’t escape in time. While Dean rolled to safety, Buzz’s car went over the side.
“Holy fuck,” Emily said, “I want to do that.”
“You want to play chickie?” I asked, a little nervous about what my sister might be planning.
“Yeah,” Emily said, “That would be awesome.”
“Seems like a good way to get killed,” I said.
“Not like with a car. Just something like that. Where you know that everything is at stake — your family, your friends, your life — but you race towards it anyway. Knowing in your heart that you’ll have to stop at some point. But driving like you never will. Finding that point where your courage stops and then going just past. It’s like… running with the bulls. Or jumping out of a plane.”
“You’re not exactly selling me on this idea.”
“Come on, Ryan. Don’t you feel it? We’re trapped in this antiseptic life where even if we wanted things to go wrong our parents wouldn’t allow it. Don’t you just want to test yourself? See where your limits are? See if you can break through them?”
“I understand,” I said, “I think. But it also seems kind of scary.”
“That’s the point,” Emily said, “To be frightened. To live with real consequences. For once.”
“And if you go over the cliff?”
“You don’t,” Emily said firmly, “You know when to stop. But in that moment. Wow. That has to be amazing.”
I was sure Buzz planned on getting out of the car before he went over the cliff, too. But I didn’t say anything. I just let my sister enjoy her fantasy.
Then she grabbed my hand, maybe a bit too hard. “I have an idea,” she said. She tossed off the blanket and stood up. In seconds she went from jeans and a t-shirt to completely naked. Without thinking I did the same. It felt like ages since I’d seen my big sister this way and my body hurt with how much it wanted her.
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