I couldn’t think of anything that could change that in my mind. No way.
There was a knock on my door. I opened it, hoping it was Mom so we could talk. I wanted to try and calm her down. Maybe it could stop her slide into that dark place she had been before.
But, it was Dad. “I’m going down the club for a while. Your Mother got into one of her moods and I can’t do anything, so I’m going to clear my head a little. Take a look in on her once in a while. You’re good at that. You have better luck than me.”
“Okay, Dad.” I felt like telling him that instead of having a few drinks he should be taking care of Mom. Just like he should be taking care of her in the bedroom so she wouldn’t have these problems. But, all I said was “Okay, Dad.” How lame was I?
I sat staring for another fifteen minutes. I promised myself to check on Mom in a half hour.
There was a knock on my door. By process of elimination, I knew it had to be Mom … or a playful spirit letting me know—
“Michael.”
It was Mom. And she only called me Michael at certain times. I guess this was one of these times.
I opened the door. “Got time for your ol’ mother?”
“Gee, Mom, I was just going to cut my toenails!”
Her face didn’t register I was kidding for a moment. I had thought that getting her to smile was a good way to start. It was stupid. I said, “Aw, Mom, I always have time for you,” and gave her a big hug.
Instead of breaking away in a second or two. She stayed there cradled in my arms. Finally she pushed me to arms length and said:
“I have something to tell you. Something important that I’ve put off for a long, long time.”
“What is it?”
“Got time for a walk? Walk along the nature trail?”
This was where she went to think. Rarely had I joined her because this was “her space” where things became clear to her. She said it was a place where “the clouds and trees and wind talked” and she listened.
“You want me to come with you? There?”
“Yeah. It’ll be easier there for me.”
*****************************************
The trail itself was about twenty feet wide in most places. Worn hard and flat by a million hikers over the years. There must have been lots of them, but we met very few as we made our way.
It went through the woods at the nature preserve and showed us tall trees most of the times, with big open fields here and there, and once in a while there was a bench at what they called “scenic overlooks.” This is where steep bank dropped off and you could see the valley hundreds of feet below and all the way across it to the horizon.
We didn’t talk much at first, and I was glad about that. I really didn’t know what to say. Not yet. I was hoping for some inspiration or wisdom or guidance to be whispered to me by the clouds or trees or wind that Mom believed in.
“Michael, you are the most important person in my life. You are my earth and stars and heaven and everything seen and unseen all made real to me.” She reached out and took my hand. We continued walking, hand-in-hand.
“Because of what I had believed over the years, believed with all my heart, I thought I would never have to tell you what you’re about to hear. I thought you would never have to know the truth.”