I had no idea how it would go in the morning…if he would say anything…if I would. No one said anything. He gave me a little kiss and told me to hang in and then he left. It seemed as if I thought about that night for a hundred days.
Every parent claims to love his or her children equally. It’s okay to say it to spare the hurt but of course it bears no semblance to the truth. I was much closer to Jenna than to Renee. Between Renee and me it was mostly ‘live and let live’ and she handled everything herself; most of the time she even called me Gloria instead of mom.
With Jenna it was different; there was a strong bond. She came to me with every problem and more often she came just to be in my presence. She hugged and held and wanted to cuddle even into her teens. She never did anything overt but the way she talked about other girls and the way she hugged me made me think she was gay-or something. When she got married, I just hoped it would work out.
Jenna and I shared our feelings and she was the one I usually went to when I wanted to talk. I just wasn’t sure if my ‘problem’ wasn’t too much to share.
Adam was my youngest and that’s only part of the reason I loved him so much. I like males. I like their looks, their feel, and their smell. I was, for as long as I can remember, hyper-sexed. I am now. It never took much: the sight of a flat stomach, a smile, a kind hand, the smell of after-shave, sweat or skin. How many times a day could my body go into chaos? How many times could my brain sent electricity and chemicals coursing through my body?
Sometimes I despaired, I prayed to God to make my desire small, “Please God don’t let them see what they do to me because when they know, then I’m done, I’m lost, I’m theirs.” I lost the ability to tell whether I was using the men or they were using me; whether I was cheating on them or they were cheating on me.
I also missed being married. I enjoyed being a wife and sharing my life. I wanted to be with someone who understood that ‘us’ means more than ‘me’. I was getting depressed thinking that time had passed me by.
Adam was always my handsome boy and just the sweetest child. It brought me peace just to watch him sleep. When he was young he would lie in my arms for hours and I would talk to him about my life as if he could understand. He’d look up at me with those big eyes and say, “Don’t worry…I’ll take care of you mom.”
When he got older, It was me who ended up lying in his arms for hours…he never got impatient…he never got up until I did. On one occasion I told him he was very good to me and he said, “That’s because I love you.” He bent down and kissed me on the lips. His mouth was closed but it was a long kiss for a son to give his mother. Still I thought that the sexual stimulation happened only on my side of the kiss. I was annoyed at myself for my thoughts.
I always felt a certain tension or electricity when we were together. I liked the way he looked and I won’t lie; I liked the way he looked at me. Even before that night I’d had some thoughts a mother doesn’t usually find in her head about her own son; then I wasn’t sure where they were taking me.