Dan started a running commentary, saying things like, “Wow, look at the size of that guy’s cock. Carrie, that’s a big one. Just like Burger King. A Whopper! Hell, there’s no way I can compete with that. And black too like you wanted. I can’t compete with that either. Hey, Carrie check this out! Look! I’ve seen this before a few times; you’re about to cum big time on that big black cock. I’ve never seen you in such ecstasy. Damn, I wish I could do that for you. Sucks to be me huh? You guys fucked on and off for almost three hours. Damn. I may not have it anymore, but you sure do baby. Anyway, Carrie, you got ‘your’ fantasy fulfilled.”
I was trying to remain calm, but I couldn’t take it anymore. My mind was about to explode. Then the flood came. The tears started falling like rain, “Goddamn it Danny! It doesn’t mean shit! This video is all bullshit! It’s all fucking bullshit. It was a stupid fucking idea to do this! The worst I’ve ever had! Please stop this now. I’m so fucking sorry for this shit hole I’ve dug us into. This fucking mess I created. Please. I love you so much, Danny. Don’t do this. ”
Even without looking at the screen, I could hear my voice shouting things I couldn’t even remember I’d said, “Oh baby, fuck me hard with that big black dick of yours! Make me your bitch! Oh God, this is so good! ” Then this guy began this verbal taunting shit by saying, “Tell me how much you love this big black dick, Bitch. Tell me!” And like some stupid animal, I screamed back. “I LOVE YOUR BIG BLACK DICK! FUCK ME HARDER. OH, YES! THIS PUSSY LOVES YOUR BLACK DICK! ”
Looking at Dan, I could see on his face so much pain, a pain I’ve never seen before, as he sat motionless staring intently at the screen. What had I done? At that moment, I fell apart. I felt so ashamed that I had done this to him, to us. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with that bitch on the screen and completely lost it.
“Dan you’re a fucking asshole!” Then I jumped up and ran upstairs to our bedroom and slammed the door but I could still hear the video through the vent in the bedroom. I wanted to scream for Dan to turn it off but then remembered the children were sleeping. I was lucky I had not woken them by slamming our bedroom door.
That night I cried until I had no more tears. Everything I had done was clear to me now. I had totally fucked up everything good in my life. It felt like when a family member dies. That same heaviness in the heart and mind because you know they’re really gone and will never come back. I was experiencing the final death thralls of my marriage. It had died and all that was left was the funeral.
I don’t remember falling asleep but when I awoke I was alone again. I laid in bed just staring at the ceiling fan spin in circles until the children came asking mommy for breakfast. Their voices and faces brought me back to the land of the living. They all jumped in bed with me and with the sound of their laughter, for a brief moment, my thoughts found peace.
When I got downstairs, Dan had already left for work but had left a note on the kitchen table. I picked it up, folded it and put it in my robe pocket. I focused on feeding the children, making sure they brushed their teeth and properly dressed before I sat down alone to read what Dan had left. My hands were shaking as I unfolded the letter and read.
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