There was something about those blue veins and all the little bumps around the nipples, wet and swollen from my sister sucking so vigorously. I knew I shouldn’t have been watching her, but I couldn’t help myself. I let myself look longer and longer until even when she got up and left the room carrying Vicki, both breasts still wet and half exposed, my eyes would follow her every step of the way. By the time that day on the treadmill had come, Mom had caught me looking more than a few times and every time I shied away, she would tell me it was ok to look. No harm in looking. She knew I was curious, etc. I would feel guilty again, and then the burning in my body would take over and make me steal another glance. Mom would sit there in the rocker beside the couch, bare legs crossed; my baby sister hungrily sucking on one breast, while her tiny fingers reached for the other. Too many times I thought to myself that I wished it was me reaching out like that. To just touch it for a fleeting second with one finger would be enough to last a life time.
It was during one of these daydreams, me sitting at the dining room table trying to keep my mind on studying, that my life would change.
Mom was talking to Vicki and rocking her to sleep. She had already switched from her left breast to her right. She was wearing shorts, and her legs looked so smooth. Her toes were painted a dark pink, and I was watching her moving her one foot to and fro to aid her in the rocking when I heard what she was saying.
“You are so hungry today aren’t you Baby?” She was talking to my sister of course. “My little piggy, yes you are!” She glanced my way and smiled before turning her attention back to her. “Just like your big brother. Always hungry for Mommy.”
I froze and looked at her face, but she was not looking at me, only at the baby.
“That’s a good girl. Drink all Mommy’s milk and go to sleep, Baby.”
My head was literally pounding. I tried not to think about what she had said, but it was enough to fuel a million late night fantasies. I felt so disgusting. Wanting my mother. But wanting to do what with my mother? I had not thought about sex, just simply being with her. Holding her. Kissing her. Sucking on her nip…. No! I had to stop myself.
“Darling, would you mind getting me a paper towel, please?”
I looked at her and saw her hand wiping at the thin drops of milk that were leaking from her exposed nipple. I stared a few moments too long and when I came to my senses found Mom staring right into me with a huge grin on her face. I blushed and immediately went into the kitchen. It took me a few seconds to get my bearing and remember why I had gotten up and then I found the paper towels, grabbing the whole roll and bringing it to her.
Mom laughed when she looked up to see me standing there handing her the whole roll. She looked at Vicki who looked almost drunk and nearly asleep and said, “Your big brother thinks Mommy made a big mess, doesn’t he? Yes he does.” She looked up at me and smiled. “I only need one, Sweetie.”