Rostam and I stayed together for six more months after the initial assault. I dismissed the rape as a miscommunication and assured Rostam that he hadn’t done anything wrong. I made excuses for what had happened. I didn’t fight back, I didn’t scream “no”, I didn’t try to get away. I felt as if I called what happened “rape” then it would be an insult to everyone who had been “really raped.” I convinced myself that this was my fault and I needed to accept it.
Throughout the rest of the relationship, Rostam used all sorts of tactics to know me more and more .I give him my passwords to my Gmail accounts so he could monitor whether or not I was cheating on him.
One time, after I fell asleep during a telegram text with him, he woke me up because he claimed he heard a guy performing oral sex on me under the covers. On another occasion, Rostam became furious with me for going out to lunch in public restaurant and I was very happy to can walk beside him.
When we visited each other, he spit on me, peed on me, and insisted we have sex several times a day even if I said more and more since I was thirsty to sex after 12 years divorce although sometimes playing sex with my Ex-boyfriend in college but it was only playing not sex?!
I tried so hard to find a good job for me to support my life and finally could do it. He arranged special trip to Kish Island and I went there for first time and despite it was only one night but was surprised in my life .Unfortunitly sometimes he decide to left me . The process was long and difficult. I was very depress and so alone again . I tried to bring him to my home once again and he run away and suggesting we “take a break” before ultimately coming to my home again.
Once I was away from him I was able to clearly see what had happened to me. I had been emotionally, physically and sexually abused. I spent the winter crying, cutting myself and sleeping with sleepy pill .
I just wanted to normalize sex again and try to distinguish it from rape, but most mornings I would wake up unable to even recall what I’d done the night before. My therapist told me that I was dissociating during sex as my brain tried to cope with the trauma Rostam had inflicted upon me.
That trauma continued even though Rostam and I had gone our separate ways. I refused to answer the door whenever anyone knocked, froze if I saw unfamiliar sound might be he back home. Even though he had blocked me from contacting him on his phone and all of his social networking sites, I still felt like he was going to come after me. Weekly appointments with my therapist, who didn’t take my insurance, just wouldn’t cut it. I needed to talk him to find why he run away me. I joined an intensive outpatient program, but I stopped attending after a member told me that if I didn’t want to end up alone, I needed to stop “acting crazy.”
Everything finally collapsed upon itself when winter started and the days grew longer. The winter was so cold and I needed to be beside him to be warm and I was unable to manage my feelings. I was triggered constantly. I went to his city and despite he has told can’t accompany me but he pick up me in airport and said can take me to hotel> I suggest to go to my brother home after visting him but he smiled and said we can be together again. I wanted to fly that I can sleep with him again. He was nice and kissed me.
Soon after, we went to his home and drink wine after dinner and he bring me to bath and wash me with wine . He liked to wash my body with wine to be delicious to suck me. I was so hot to make love and he sucked mu pussy and asshole. It was the hardest thing I have ever endured (but that’s another story). When I was ready for sucking his cook he didn’t allow me?!, I spent two night in a wonderful outpatient facility. After that, I began working as a insurances assistant for a large corporation .
I reconnected with Rostam , who distracted me with funny videos and heaping bowls of noodle soup. I even went out on a leaser trophy
While I was falling apart and rebuilding myself, Rostam had decided to make a few changes. He had transferred to a different trip shortly after the initial left me , where he was given a fresh start and a new pack of loyal gift. He all times bring special gift to glad me .
Except I had more than that: I called him by phone and text and email that I need him not only for sex since I love you.
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