“Is it; I don’t think so. You might love the way she looks or love being married to her; maybe you love the way she sucks your cock, I don’t know, but I don’t believe you truly love her. You can’t respect someone you’re disloyal to every chance you get. You sure as hell don’t respect your marriage vows, you can’t deny that and if you don’t respect the vows how can you respect the woman you made them to? No, Stoney, you can’t tell me you respect your wife and I don’t think you can truly love someone you don’t respect.”
“You’re making a mountain out of mole hill, Langley. Jennifer is a good mother and a good wife, and in spite of what you say, I love her to death.”
“Really? What if she ever found out?”
I saw instantly in his face that he took my question as a threat. “No, Stoney, I’m not threatening to tell you wife but what if someone did see you one of these days? Or maybe somebody falls in love with those gorgeous features of yours and wants to break up your marriage so she can have you for herself. You said yourself it almost happened once. I would have thought that would have cured you. Imagine how badly it will hurt your wife and kids if it ever does happen.”
“Okay, okay, you made your point,” he said, turning for the door. “You don’t want to get together—fine, but don’t go making moral judgments on how I live my life,” he said as closed the door behind him.
I’m not sure how long I sat there, quite a while. I was crying off and on. I thought of all the people in my life and what they would think of me if they’d known how close I came to fucking another man. My mom, my dad, my sister, they’d all be devastated, not to mention Nelson and Evangeline. Even most of our friends would see me as an immoral slut.
After another burst of tears I made myself a drink. I walked across the room and opened the drapes on the large floor to ceiling window that overlooked the city. Damn it was gorgeous. If I got my face close to the glass and pressed my cheek against it I could see the Empire State Building reaching for the clouds.
Suddenly I felt so lonely. The walls of the room knew my shame, the air dripped with my guilt. I needed my husband. I needed my family. I wanted so much to call Nelson but I was afraid he’d hear the disgrace and self-loathing in my voice. God I wished I had brought a good book. I had all these plans for Stoney and me in the evenings so I didn’t even think to bring one.
I lay down on the bed, closed my eyes, and could see Nelson’s face smiling down on me. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so very, very sorry.” I could feel the remorse leaking from my eyes and running down the side of my face. Eventually I drifted off to sleep on a soggy pillow.
The next morning I really didn’t want to see Stoney so I left the hotel and walked down to the little restaurant in the next block for breakfast. I purposely waited until the seminar started before going in and taking a seat in the back of the room. Evidently he had no more desire to speak to me than I him. He didn’t even look my way when we broke for lunch.