Life at home was different after that day. I feel like I royally fucked up and that my mom would never look at me in the same way. She quit giving me hugs. She quit saying she loved me. She quit randomly coming in my room and saying hi. Things like that. We didn’t talk quite as much, aside from her asking me if I’m hungry or what I’m hungry for. I think the obsession with my mom was finally over with. It took somewhere between one and three months for things to go back to normal and my mom would start acting how she used to act towards me.
For the next two years, things were pretty normal. I mean, things went back to how they were before that incident. I don’t know if life will ever be “normal” for me. The incident was never brought up, except for one time.
The two of us were eating at a Chinese restaurant with my cousin, and I’m not sure how it got brought up, but she mentioned how I had been on her Facebook account before. So she knew I had deleted that conversation we had. I guess that’s why her password had been changed.
After denying being on her account, she goes, “Yes you were. You got on there to delete our messages.”
“What messages?” I asked, playing stupid.
She goes, “You don’t want me to tell him,” referring to my cousin.
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” I said.
The conversation eventually ended, as we both just wanted to let it drop.
But sometime in those two years, my lust for her returned. And I was back to watching incest porn. I was back to jerking off to her. I was back to wanting to try it again. To have sex with my mom.
Now my mom has told me before that things had happened to her in her past. I guess maybe that’s why she is the way she is. I guess that’s why I always get the emotional abuse from her. I guess maybe me and her are both fucked up. I guess I was so fucked up that that’s why I decided to try it again at twenty-two years old. I was still in the same position in life that I was two years ago. Living at home, with my mom and step-dad, with no job.
I wanted to make my mom hug me, but I had to figure out a way to do it. I didn’t wanna just go up and hug her, because that would feel weird to me. So I tried to do something nice for her. It was all part of my plan.
We had been watching the show Bates Motel together lately, seeing Norma get closer and closer to her son, so I was hoping this would work. I was hoping maybe she had been desiring this too. I had another feeling she might be, because every time I left home, she would always text me wondering where I was, trying to get me to come home and stuff, whenever my step-dad wasn’t home. So I waited until my step-dad left for work one day, and I went down to the basement. At this point, we were living in a different house. I went downstairs, and I did laundry for my mom. And then I asked her if she was hungry, because I wanted to make her something to eat. I guess maybe that was a little out of place for me to ask?
She starts laughing, “So now what are you wanting?” like I was being nice just to get my way.
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