“Okay,” he said, watching her wary eyes. “Last night was good, I think.”
Emily looked surprised for a moment, then her face softened and she nodded. “Yes, I think so too. We—”
“I—” They both stopped, then laughed. Nick said, “I have some things to say, but you can go first.”
Emily said, “the reason I think it was good is because it hurt me so much. SO much.
“I mean, there you were with this huge promotion, this exciting new job, and probably lots more money, and—
“And I didn’t know anything about it! You’d kept this huge secret from me, and I …” She looked right into his eyes. “I felt so excluded and so betrayed, and I was so angry—and then you told me exactly when you found out, and of course I understood why you hadn’t told me.”
“And all this time I thought you only learned about my, my—affair—when I told you, in the letter. I had no idea you’d found it out on your own. My God, Nick, I am so sorry for that!”
She sighed. “So THAT took the wind right out of my sails. But when I thought about it later, I realized what a good lesson it was for me. For weeks I’ve been feeling so terrible about what I did, about how badly I’ve hurt you, and terrified you’re going to leave me, and—
“And this, this is the first time I just felt hurt myself. How could you do that to me? And then I realized, well Emily, maybe for the first time you’re getting a little tiny taste of how Nick has been feeling all this time. Betrayed, left-out, kept in the dark. Except the secret I kept from you was a thousand times worse.”
She stopped, looking down. He could see the tears on her cheeks. “So I figured, anything that hurts me THAT way, that lets me be in your shoes a little bit, is probably good for me. I’ve been feeling so guilty and frightened, I haven’t spent enough time actually thinking about how YOU must be feeling.”
She laughed sadly. “After last night THAT problem is gone!”
Nick waited, but Emily was done talking. He said, “yeah, I think so too. That’s one of two reasons last night was good.
“But the other, strangely enough, is that it was the first time in more than two months you’ve stopped cringing around me. You were furious—you really let me have it, and—guess what?—I realized I missed it.”
They smiled at each other, both amused.
“I mean, I WANTED you submissive, for a while. I wanted you feeling guilty and ashamed, and terrified I was about to walk out the door. But it’s starting to get old, you know? Obsequious Emily is not the woman I married—she’s not the woman I love.
“And I realized that while you keep wanting me to trust you again, you haven’t been trusting me—not to leave, I mean. You don’t trust that I love you and I’m trying to give you another chance.”
He was getting a little agitated now, and he took a breath. “Why should I trust you, after what you did, when you won’t trust me? So you need to do that, Em; you need to start being yourself, and remember how long I’ve loved you.”
He paused again. “Maybe you were being a doormat because you thought I was insisting on it, but I’m done with that. The month I promised you has stretched to seven weeks and I’m still here. I’m still here, I’m sleeping in bed with you every night, and I’m not seeing … anyone else.”