“Carrie’s my girlfriend, Mom. You shouldn’t talk about her like that.”
“I’m glad you’re going to separate colleges. In a few months I won’t have to worry about her any more.”
Our argument about Carrie would have continued, but Dad came in the kitchen door, smiling.
“Talking about me?” he asked.
Mom and I looked at each other. If he were looking for it, he would have seen we looked guilty. But, we shouldn’t have because that was what he said any time he came into the house.
“You’re early,” Mom said.
“Yeah, a client canceled this afternoon, so I called the clinic and moved up the appointment. Went in, boom! A day early. All done! And, they recalculated your cycle and said tomorrow’s your best day, so I moved you up.”
*************************************
Dad was happy. Mom was not. I was relieved.
This meant I didn’t have to try some fertilization espionage that most likely would have gone totally wrong and gotten me into trouble I couldn’t talk my way out of. The first time I did it was a crime of opportunity. This time, the opportunity was completely missing.
When Dad left the kitchen, Mom said, “New plan. YOU take me to the clinic tomorrow and somehow make the switch before they inseminate me.”
“Mom. That’s crazy. What do you think I’m going to do, steal a lab coat and a clipboard and wander around until I find exactly Dad’s jar—like in the movies? They’re going to keep an eye on me in the waiting room and that’s as far as I’ll get.”
“We’ll make it work,” she said. “You just remember—no jerking off, and stay away from Carrie tonight.”
“We already have a date, Mom. What do you what me to do, tell her ‘I can’t see you tonight because my mom needs me to save my cum in case I have to inseminate her at the clinic?'”
“Sounds good to me. Just keep it in your pants tonight. Did I tell you I don’t like her?”
**************************************
“I don’t think your mother likes me,” Carrie said.
“It’s just your imagination,” I said.
We finished our burgers and fries from the drive-through. Carrie got that look, the look I usually liked.
“My parents are at a fundraiser all evening, leaving my big comfy room all unguarded for once.” She had whispered that in my ear and nibbled it when she finished.
Usually, I would have had my hands all over her, even in a well-lit parking lot with families parked on either side of us. Not tonight. My mother’s voice and face haunted me.
“Why don’t we see that new movie you’ve been talking about?”
“Since when would you rather see a movie than see my underwear?” She sounded a combination of hurt and surprised.
“I don’t want to get caught by your parents.”
“That never stopped you before.”
“And tomorrow my Mom—”
“Your Mom, your Mom! I know it’s because your Dad can’t deliver the goods, but this gets old hearing about all her troubles.”
“Carrie, she did lose a baby you know.” I wanted to say “our baby,” but didn’t, for obvious reasons.
“That was months ago,” Carrie said, and I saw her in a totally different light.
And I saw me in a different light.
“I’m bringing you home.”